


Breaking into your life through the window

by Zeyni



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, G!P Clarke, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 03:07:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8233957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeyni/pseuds/Zeyni
Summary: Lexa was just trying to not get caught when she jumped to her neighbor’s balcony. But once inside the house instead of a quit escape she end up getting a lot more than she bargained for.





	

The sound of wheels of the skateboard passing through asphalt in the silent streets of TonDC was calming after another “date” gone wrong with Costia. Lexa couldn’t exactly call them dates when she wasn’t dating Costia, and when in fact Costia was dating Wells, star quarterback for the football team, and also reason she was now going home at 9 pm on a Friday without the sex she was promised.

Every couple of weeks a message from Costia to meet at her house was send to her. To what was sure to follow to sex as soon as she got there. Lexa hadn’t any hope that they were or one day would be anything more than sex buddies. And she was way past her dilemma concerning the fact that what she and Costia were doing was cheating. Maybe because Wells was also sleeping with other people, from what she had heard. Or maybe it was simple the fact that she had accepted that the head cheerleader and the quarterback would stay together no matter how much they didn’t want a monogamist relationship with each other.

No, what was bothering her was that this was the second time in a row that Wells appeared out of nowhere just when she was about to get it on with his girlfriend, leaving her to jump still half naked from a second floor widow while Costia tried to distracted him enough for her to escape. And if there was one thing that she hated was the unexpected. It also didn’t help that she hadn’t had sex in more than a month.

Lexa contemplated going to a party and finding a wiling girl. But the prospect of loud music and a mix of horny, drunk and high teens required a little more desperation to attend wiling.

So, here was she, coming home at 9 pm on a Friday completely going against the image of rebel without a cause that she had so carefully constructed for the past two years.   
At least Ontari, Nia and Roan would think she was screwing Costia’s brain out, and not at home studying for a literature test she had on Monday.

Arriving to her uncle’s house out of pure habit she put what she could of her skate inside her backpack and starts climbing the tree between hers and the neighbor’s house.   
She was in the middle of the climb when her uncle comes outside taking out the trash. So without really knowing what she is doing and fearing getting caught she jumps to her neighbor’s balcony entering the room behind the unlocked doors as fast as she can. She lets out a sigh of relief while closing the doors glad she wasn’t caught. That is, until she turns back just to realize the situation she found herself in was way worst.

Sitting in the bed of what was obviously her bedroom, was a blond girl staring at her, with what Lexa thought was half annoyance half amusement. Blue eyes continue to stare at her for what felt like an eternity as if expecting some sort of explanation. But all Lexa could do was stare back, open mouthed. She was sure she tried to pronounce an apology or something of the kind but all that came out was meaningless noises. She was also sure her face, ears and neck were redder than they ever been.  
You see, the girl wasn’t simple sitting on the bed, no. 

And she was not only naked from the waist down, but between her legs secured in the girl’s left hand was her clearly hard cock.

The stare down continued and Lexa wasn’t sure how long they’ve been at it or for how long more they would. But from the calm stance of the girl, she somehow didn’t doubt her capacity to continue for days despite the situation. Lexa couldn’t help but let her eyes wonder, from the beauty mark above the girls lips, to the evidently large breasts covered by a loose t-shit. But most of all, the cock still in the firm grip of the girl’s hand, still hard, bids of pre cum coming out of it and the thumb that was spreading it absentminded.  
Lexa never thought she would be attracted to someone with a dick, but the image in front of her was quickly changing her mind. What did nothing to easy the escalating tension in the room. She was begging to think she would be trapped in this moment for the rest of her life when the girl finale spoke.

“Are you here to steal from my house?” 

As soon as the words leaved the girls mouth Lexa is shaking her head signaling that that was not her intention. 

“Ok.” The blonde said cocking her head to the side with which Lexa thought was a cute expression. “Do you bear any malicious intent?”

Despite thinking the girl’s choice of words odd, she shook her head no again. And in an instant the girl was up and wearing a red boxer that despite covering her parts still displayed a sizable tend in front of it. She opened the closet for just long enough to get some pieces of clothing and disappeared in the bathroom saying she would come back in a second before closing the door.

Even with the still nameless girl out of the room Lexa still felt as if she was glued to the same spot she has been since entering it. It wasn’t until she heard the shower noise that the brunet felt herself relax. Taking this time to calm herself Lexa began to elaborate some half apology half explanation to why the hell she had invaded the blue eyed girl room, making it evident she wasn’t some kind of perv who enjoyed intruding people masturbating.

When the blonde exited the bathroom 10 minutes later she found a much more composed Lexa analyzing the sketches fixed on the wall.

“So, are you gona tell me what are you doing here?”

“I, uhm…” Lexa had every intention of reciting her pre-prepared speech but nothing came out. She never felt more like an idiot in her 16 almost 17 years. Nonetheless there she was, dumbfounded by a girl in a plain t-shirt, plaid pajama pants, blond hair still damp from the shower and eyes so blue Lexa didn’t thought she had ever saw that shade before. But more important an annoyed expression that was turning angry the more time Lexa took to answer the question, and that despite her better sense she found attractive. And then it hit her that had seem this girl before. And it wasn’t the fact that they were neighbors because for some reason she thought they were a couple of elders. Maybe she was their niece and she just had never really noticed her for the past 2 years? She didn’t think it was possible, but maybe. 

“Do I know you from somewhere?”

“Really, Lexa?” the girl said now exasperated, but Lexa was too busy freaking out that she knew her name to notice the tone. 

Her mind was going a million miles trying to figure out, hence she took a while to notice that the girl was still talking. 

“…and we’ve been neighbors for the past two months! And we wore on the same class for that special college class about politics last summer!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember. What’s your name?”

“Clarke Griffin. But this is not what is important here…” the girl, no Clarke, Lexa reminded herself, continued to talk but she was too busy with her own thoughts because she finale knew who she was. When she first began attending TonDC Academy, Nia told her about these freakish two girls that even though were younger than they, were one class up because they were genius or something like it, Clarke Griffin and Raven Reyes. But this Clarke and the Clarke Ontari pointed out in her freshman year were very, very different.

“You don’t look like a kid anymore.” Lexa spoke interrupting Clarke’s rant about privacy and laws and some other things she wasn’t paying attention.

“Of course I don’t. I’m 15.” She responded in a tone of outrage.

“You’re a senior, right, Clarke?” she added the girls name just to know how it felt to say it. Only to discover it was her new favorite word.

“I already told you that. And before you continue to state the obvious I’m gona save both of us some time. Yes you’re a junior. Yes we go to the same school. Yes we are at the same ap literature class. And apparently yes, you’re too occupied faking being a rebel or whatever you call it to your snob friends that you don’t notice things happening around you. Now, what the fucking hell are you doing in my house?”

“I don’t fake being anything!”

“Call it whatever you want. But for me having almost everyone believe you doesn’t go well at school when actually you could graduate a year early if you wanted, and have special authorization to frequent an ap class even though you are not a senior. And lets not talk about the college classes during the summer that your friends don’t know. And I know every time one of your friends decides it is cool to vandalize school propriety you volunteer to clean their mess. And…”

“Stop that! How the hell you know so much about me?”

“For once I don’t believe everything I am told, and actually pay attention to people. Second I am or was in half of the classes college level as you. Besides I also participated in some of the volunteer projects to improve the school. Also I work at the school secretary and may or may not have had a pick at your school records.”

“You can’t do that! And you can’t tell anyone, you are gona ruin everything.”

“God! Calm down. I’m not going to tell anything. I have exactly one friend and she isn’t exactly better on that department than I am. Besides I have no reason to do that, plus in 5 and a half months school is over for me and I’m gone to college.”

“Ok. I believe you, Clarke.”

Lexa let out a sigh of relief. But she was still worried. Since coming to live with her uncle in the middle of her freshman year she had made sure to reinvent herself so that she was no longer a victim, like in her old school. She got rid of her glasses and started using contacts, bought new clothes, learned how to skate and enrolled in a krav maga class. But more important she made the “right” friends. No one would mess with the Queen triplets. Nia, Ontari and Roan were popular in a non-jock way and the only very, very rich. In fact the only reason they were allowed to attend a prestigious prep school like TonDC Academy was because their parents were filthy rich and owned half the town. So, when in the first day at the new school they took noticed of her she grabbed the opportunity. 

Sometimes it could be a little hard being friends with then. She couldn’t try out for the soccer and fencing teams like she had planned, because these things were apparently lame in their opinion. Other lame thing was caring about school, so being in the same grade as then was more than a little inconvenient, but she manage trying to make her class schedule as different as possible and when it wasn’t possible never showing her test scores and occasionally “forgetting” the homework just to found it out mysteriously and give to the teacher when everybody was out of class. Plus she had to suffer through at least one high school, and more recently, college party a month, if not more. But it was all worth it if it meant she wasn’t bullied every day like she used too. And it had other advantages too, the most important being that as Ontari was bi, Lexa could be openly gay without any bad repercussions.

“I can hear you thinking from here. So calm down I already told you have nothing to worry about.” Clarke said while sitting in a chair, apparently given up on her angry mood. “By the way, I still want to know why you here.”

“Sorry about that, Clarke. I was just climbing that tree to get to my room when my uncle got out of the house, so I jumped here so he wouldn’t catch me.” 

“Why the hell you were entering through the widow and not the front door? Your curfew can’t be this early. It is Friday and like… 9:23 now. Besides I know Gustus, he is a very reasonable man when you are not hitting in his daughter.”

Lexa thought about it, and came to the conclusion that she in deed didn’t have a curfew. She had started entering thru the window the first time she came from a party after midnight and didn’t want to wake up her uncle. She guessed it had become habit. And maybe she was so used to concoct complains about her uncle when her friends whined about their parents that she started to believing it. The weight of this discovery however was soon replaced with shock when the meaning of Clarkes whole sentence got to her.  
“Wait, how do you know my uncle? And when did you hit on Anya? She doesn’t even live here!”

“You seriously need to relax. One would think I am the on breaking in to your house and not the other way around. And apart from being neighbors, your uncle works as a security guard at the hospital I volunteer and sometimes when it is too late he gives me a ride…”

“That is not true! My…”

“Of course it is! Why would I lie that he gives me rides home?”

“Not that. He is not a security guard, he is a cop! A detective!”

“I know that. But he also works part time at the hospital for extra money. I am not a liar.”

“Is he struggling with money?” Lexa inquired siting without asking on Clarke’s bed. Her tone completely changed, all heat gone, just anguish left. The other sensing the change got up going to sit next to the now sad girl, a hesitant hand on her knee in an attempt of a consolation gesture.

“Look I don’t know anything for sure. But this neighborhood isn’t cheap, my mother thinks so and she is a surgeon. In addition to that the fact that Anya scholarship only covers half of her expenses, must be the reason he got a second job. However if he didn’t say anything I don’t think you should worry about it.”

“But I could help, if he had told me I could…”

“Lexa, I don’t think a 8 dollar the hour job at the mall would help that much. Plus Gustus don’t strike me as someone who would take money from someone he is taking care of.”  
“You don’t get it, Clarke. I have money. I wouldn’t need to work or anything. My parents were kind of rich I guess, I don’t really know, but they owned Blackwood Law Firm, Trikru Tech and Grounder Laboratories…”

“Shut up! You’re lying.”

“No I’m not! You can google it: Alexandra Blackwood, daughter of Annastakia Triku and Alexander Blackwood.”

“Fuck. You’re richer than the Queens.”

“I don’t know about that… Anyway, I will only have full control over all their money, companies and law firm when I turn 29.”

“Why 29?”

“My parents were like really specific in their will. There are certain ages that I get access to certain accounts or trust funds. Like last year I got access to my first account when I turn 16. Next is 18 then 21, 25, 27 and finally everything at 29. But it isn’t about only money, there are all those rules of conduct I things I will be able to do or not within the companies. Like the trust fund I get when I turn 18 is money designated for education so I can only spend with college, courses or something like it, and is also the age I can start to work at one of their companies if I want to. Then 21, but I don’t really remember what else I get in this one other than money. Then 25 more money, but it is also the age I get to choose to be president of one of the companies, this is if I have been working there for at least 2 years and have at least one college diploma. Next is 27, again more money, and a chair at the two companies and law firm board of administration if I choose too. Then finally 29 when I get full control of everything, well with the condition that I have that college diploma and have worked 800 hours at at least one of the companies, but like, I can have worked 300 hours at Triku Tech and 500 at Blackwood law firm or whatever. As long as I have worked 800 hours in total.”

“Fuck. That is specific.”

“Yeah, I can’t even remember all the rules, what I told you is only the basics.”

“Wait. What happens if you reach 29 have no college diploma and have never worked at the companies?”

“I wouldn’t let this happen, Clarke.”

“Ok. But, what if?”

“Then they wait till I have meet the pre-requisites and the companies continue to be administrated by the people that they selected in their will. And if I reach 40 and still don’t got what is needed, the companies will be divided between my cousins: Anya, Lincoln, Tris and Aden. And I will live with an allowance for the rest of my life.”  
“Well, they did thought about everything.”

“Yeah…”

“Sorry I got you talking about all this stuff, I’m sure it isn’t easy thinking about your parents. I think part of me is still that annoying little kid that never knew the time to stop asking why of the things.”

“That is ok. They died a long time ago, Clarke.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know. Like my grandpa, he died 2 years ago and I still miss him. And sometimes when I win a soccer game or a debate or even heard a silly joke I think I need to tell him, and for a second I don’t remember he is gone, so when it hits me that he is, it’s really sad.”

“I never really had that.”

“What?”

“Someone I wanted to tell things. When my parents died I was 13 and we weren’t close. Next I went to live with my uncle Titus, but I stayed there for little more than 8 months and he wasn’t exactly what I would call friendly type. Then I moved here with uncle Gustus, and I guess I could have had been close to Anya but I was only a freshman and she was a few months from leaving for her backpacking trip and then college.”

“What about your friends?”

“Before here I didn’t have any. Now, well, Nia and Ontari aren’t the sentimental type. And Roan, I don’t know, we talk sometimes. But it feels weird to share personal stuff, I guess.”  
And before she knew what was happening Clarke was hugging her with more force than she initially thought the girl possessed. It took a few seconds but she hugged the blonde back. There in the arms of this girl she knew almost nothing about, her faced tucked in said girls neck she felt as if a weigh she didn’t knew she carried was lifted from her shoulders and for the first time in forever she could really brief.

“You smell good.”

“Thanks.” Clarke half laughed, but didn’t let go. So despite feeling like an idiot Lexa decided that it was ok to say whatever it was in her mind around Clarke.

“I don’t remember the last time someone hugged me like this.”

“Are you trying to make me cry?”

“No, I’m just saying whatever comes to mind, I’m sorry. I am gonna stop.”

“Don’t. It’s ok.”

“Ok. I just feel strange. I don’t thing I ever talked this much in my entire life. I don’t think I ever even talked about any of this in any capacity with anyone.”

“In your defense, you were going for the silent mysterious type when you chose your persona.” Clarke joked making both girls start laughing what end up finally separating the hug. “Do you want to go grab something to eat in the kitchen? I am famish.” Clarke asked.

“Sure. I don’t think I had dinner today.”

So Clarke took her hand and guided Lexa to the kitchen on the floor below.

“Just out of curiosity, there is any chance that you would know how to cook?” Clarke asked while looking in the refrigerator.

“No, sorry.” 

“Ok. In that case what do you fancy Chinese leftover or pizza leftover?”

Lexa chose pizza and both girls quietly started to put the table and microwave the pizza. There siting in a comfortable silence, she wandered if it was strange how normal it felt, when Clarke broke the silence.

“So, you never told me where you where before breaking into my house?”

“I didn’t break into! I already told you what happened.”

“I think you are trying to distract me so you don’t have to answer my question.”

“Ok. But you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

“I promise. Now talk.”

“I was at Costia’s.”

“Wells Jaha’s girlfriend?” her tone was incredulous.

“Yeah… And don’t look at me like that, I know it’s wrong. It is just… I don’t know… easier.”

“Look, I’m not judging you. I was just surprised. Wells did say she was cheating on him, but I just thought it was an excuse for us to have sex again.”

“You fucked Jaha?” 

For some reason Lexa felt her insides twisting. She couldn’t understand why it would matter, if anything she should be glad that she wasn’t destroying a happy relationship. But the idea of Clarke with anyone else was for some reason revolting.

“It was just once. A couple of months ago, but he got very clingy. Keep calling me. Just hope it stops soon, its kind distracting. ”

“But you are 15! And how do you even met? You are…”

“I’m what, Lexa? Just a nerd? God! You know those movie stereotypes aren’t always true right? I don’t have to be a social leper and a virgin just because I’m smart.”  
“That’s not what I meant. I just meant that you are too young and you two don’t look like you would hang out. And I don’t know… shouldn’t you lose your virginity to someone special, not some dude that is cheating on his girlfriend?”

“God, Lexa! I didn’t lose anything to Wells, or anyone else. This expression is so fucking stupid! And if you must know my first time was with a very different person, which I love. That is indeed very special to me. Plus you can’t say shit to me, it’s my body and only I have a say on what I do with it as long as I have any other involved person consent. And I didn’t say nothing when you told me about Costia. I didn’t give you a lecture for banging “some dude’s girlfriend”. So, fuck off.”

Dread was spreading all over Lexa’s body, dread of losing something she didn’t even know what it was. She couldn’t believe what was happening, she shouldn’t have said anything, she always said the wrong thing. Now Clarke would hate her. She would lose her before she could even have her. Who was she kidding? Clarke would never want to be her friend much less anything more, the blonde knew the loser Lexa really was. She was just being kind, now Lexa had fuck up and the blue eyed angel would never speak with her again.

Lexa felt as if she was about to die. And then she knew what was happening. It had been almost a year that it last happened, but the symptoms were all there: the difficulty to breathe, the tightness in her chest, the way she couldn’t stop trembling but at the same time couldn’t move, and her heart was beating way too fast and strong.  
It was all too overwhelming. And the more she tried to calm herself down or move to get the hell out of there, so she could stop making a moron of herself in front of Clarke, the more paralyzing it all felt.

These panic attacks were her worst nightmare come to life. She hated losing control. She had remade herself so she would always know what to expect, yes she didn’t had all she wanted but it was a small price to pay because it was her choice, and so she was in control. This panic attacks were the opposite and the more she tried to get a hold of herself the worst it got. Lexa was starting to feel dizzy and lightheaded. She thought she had maybe five minutes till she fainted. 

And then Clarke was there, her hands cupping Lexa’s face. Clarke touched her forehead to hers, and she could feel her breath. She noticed the blonde girl smelled like soap, peppermint and the orange juice she had been drinking, and that was somehow calming. She could feel Clarke’s hands descending from her face to her neck, shoulders then arms till it reached her hands squeezing it. Next Clarke’s hands were on her back drawing soothing circles. Lexa knew that Clarke was talking to her but couldn't distinguish words, too concentrated on the feeling of the girl’s hands.

Clarke’s hands came to a stop after a feel minutes, one on the small of Lexa’s back and the other at her neck caressing the baby hairs located there. The overwhelming struggle happening inside her was little by little being replaced by all things Clarke. Her smell, her touch on Lexa’s skin, her words that were finally starting to make sense, her eyes so very blue and so very near, but most of all the strange sensation of for the first time in her life feel safe in somebody arms.

“I got you, Lex. I’m right here. Just keep coping my breathing. Ok?”

“Clarke…”

“There you are. You think you can follow some instructions?”

“Ok.”

“Ok. You will do this: Inhale for 5 seconds, next hold your breath for 2, then exhale slowly for five seconds again. All right?”

Lexa did as she was told. And then repeated two more time when Clarke asked. She was now back to normal. But she still didn’t want to leave Clarke’s embrace, so she encircled her arms at the girl shoulders and tuck her head in her neck.

“I’m sorry.” She wisped against the blonde’s skin.

“It’s ok. Everything is fine now.” Clarke’s fingers were now intertwined in her hair, gently caressing the scalp.

After a feel more minutes of silence, Lexa for the first time notice that she was in fact siting at Clarke’s lap. And if it wasn’t embarrassing enough she was just in her jeans and bra, her t-shit and leather jacket gone. 

“Clarke?”

“Uhm?”

“Did you take off my shirt?”

“Yeah. Sorry about that. But you looked like you were hyperventilating.”

“Ok. I was just afraid I had taken of my clothes and climbed at your lap and now you though I’m crazy, or something.” 

“I don’t think you are crazy. But you did climb at my lap.” Lexa felt all her blood rush to her face at Clarke’s words.

“Sorry. Not for just that, but for all of this. And for what I said before, I really didn’t want to upset you. It is just that… I just always say the wrong thing.”

“I already told it’s all right. But we can talk more about it tomorrow. All right? Now I think we both need some sleep.”

“Ok.” 

Lexa said but didn’t really make any effort to move, too comfortable in her current position to have any desire in changing it. Nevertheless Clarke had other plans, and suddenly stood with Lexa still in her arms. Despite the surprise, her legs automatically encircled the other girl’s middle and her arms tightened behind Clarke’s neck as the girl carried her up the stairs.

“You really are stronger than you look.” She commented while burying her nose at Clarke’s neck. 

“I think you are just too light. How much you weigh anyway? 109, 110?”

“Yeah… But it’s all muscle! I could totally carry you if I wanted.”

“I don’t doubt that, Lex.” Lexa flushed with the use of the diminutive but for some reason still felt the need to prove herself.

“And I fight Krav Maga! And boxing! So, I could like, probably kill someone with my bare hands. Not that I would. Unless it was to defend someone…”

Lexa knew she was babbling but she couldn’t stop herself, she had to somehow impress the blue eyed angel carrying her, at the same time was like she was drunk, tongue lose and not a worry about saying the wrong thing. What was a weird combination.

She talked about how she had won the Flyweight title in the local boxing competition. How in four months from now she was planning to up to Bantamweight weight class. And then went on a tangent about how she was THIS close of getting a six pack with her current training when Clarke finally arrived to the bedroom putting Lexa to the bed.

“Lex, it’s time to sleep now.”

“Ok. But only if you sleep with me.”

“I don’t thing we are quite there yet.”

“ ”yet”. Does this mean I have a chance?”

“Come on, I think sleep is not letting your brain work properly.”

“I think YOU is not letting my brain “work properly”. And I didn’t mean for us to sleep as in sleep "have sex" together. I just wanna cuddle. At least for now.”

“Ok.”

“What you doing?”

“Getting some sleeping clothes for you.”

“Don’t need. I will just take out this jeans and shoes and I’m ready.”

“Very funny. But I’m not sleeping with you half naked at the same bed.”

“Afraid you’re not gonna be able to resist my charms, Clarke?”

“Anyone ever told you are a very volatile person? One time you angry at me, next you talking like a normal person, then back to angry, then apologetic. Now? I don’t even know. Trying to get in my pants? Where this came from? Didn’t you notice earlier that my parts aren’t exactly to your taste.”

“I like girls, no matter what “parts” they have.”

“And what if I told you I’m not a girl?”

“Then maybe I’m just not as gay as I thought I was. Because I’m pretty sure you are my soulmate.”

“What! Since when?”

“Now. Just decided. And for future reference so I get the pronouns right. What gender you identify as?”

“I’m intersex. And sometimes is kinda confusing for me. Every so often it is really simple and I am a girl. But then sometimes the line between male and female is really blurry and I don’t feel like I’m neither. It is like I’m this separate thing. Forget it; I don’t know why I’m trying to explain this to you.”

“No. I want to know. Do you have a different name when you are not feeling like a girl? Or a different pronoun I should treat you for? You could just tell me how you feeling and I would adjust accordingly.” 

“That is nice of you to offer, but not necessary. I don’t really care if I’m treated as a she, a he, a they or whatever. I know there are people who identify as such and being addressed correctly can be very important for them, and I respect that. But I just don’t really care about gender or how I am addressed. It is just not important to me. I’m just me, just Clarke. I know it can be difficult to get it, so is ok if you don’t. Not many people do.”

“No, I get it. You Clarke. But can I ask something? And I promise I’m not trying to insult you or anything.”

“Ok…”

“Early you said you get confused sometimes, and that at times you identify as a girl. So I guess I just wanna know how it works? Sorry, I don’t think I know how to formulate this properly.”

“That is ok. I guess it has more to do with expectation than anything else. Like, when I was born my parents initially thought I was a boy. Then when I was two they discovered that I am intersex and decided to raise me like a girl. My mom was really keen in making me as feminine as possible after that, always dressing me in pink, making me go to these ballet classes even though I sucked at it. And she really wanted me to get the surgery to make me “normal”. I think if it wasn’t for my dad talking her out of it, it would have happed before I even knew what it meant. Now nobody is pressuring me intentionally to be anything. But, like, it is still expected certain things from me. Like at school I wear the girl’s uniform and it didn’t occur to my parents to ask me which one I would prefer, or like at a formal event I’m expected to wear a dress. And people in general always assume I’m female. So I guess that sometimes all that influence on how I see myself.”

“I get it. Ok, can I ask one more question?”

“One more. And then you change into the clothes I got you, ok?”

“Agreed. I guess I just want be sure your mother isn’t pressuring you into getting surgery anymore? Cuz you are normal, whatever the definition of normal is. Or maybe you are not, but it is ok, because normal is just another word for mediocre. And you are amazing so normal got nothing on you. I mean do you know any other person that would be as kind as you were to me with someone who broke into their house? And that is not even to mention that you are crazy smart and the ton more of qualities I don’t know yet, but I’m sure you have. So what I guess I’m really trying to say is that you are perfect and you shouldn’t ever let anyone make you do anything you don’t want to.”

And there it was again Clarke hugging her out of nowhere. Not that Lexa was complaining, she just hugged back and reveled at the blonde’s presence and scent. 

“You know? For all your wannabe rebel act you really can be sweet at times.”

“Does this mean you will reconsider the whole sleeping in clothes thing?”

“And she is back trying to get into my pants.” Clarke complained letting go of the hug.

“But seriously. Your mom isn’t, right? I mean trying to pressure you.”

“No she isn’t. We had a serious talk a while ago to get her to understand my side. Initially, I think she thought I wanted be a boy and she was ok it, but then I explained I didn’t want to be neither. She got really confused because for her the world is all black and white, one thing or the other. So she doesn’t really get the concept. But she is trying, and that’s what matter to me. Besides I believe her when she said all she did before was in a misguided attempt to protect me. She was afraid I would suffer for being different and stuff like that. Not that I’m saying she was right, I would never. But you know… she is my mom.”

“Ok I can understand that, as long as she isn’t trying anything sketchy.” 

“She isn’t. Not that you have to worry about that. Now go change, you can use the bathroom.”

Despite Clarke having pointed out the bathroom Lexa decided to push her luck and change right there into the sweatpants and loose t-shirt. She knew she was trying too hard to get to the blonde but she just couldn’t avoid it. She had never felt that way for somebody. Maybe it was because she could be herself with Clarke, or maybe because Clarke listened to her, or because of the situation with the panic attack, or even because of the challenge it presented as normally girls came to her. Or it could be as shallow as the fact that Clarke was easily one of the most attractive persons she has ever met. She didn’t know; all she knew is that she felt a connection she didn’t skew she always missed and that she needed it. So, when it was time to go to bed instead of laying in the space Clarke left to her, she tucked herself right on top of the blonde face hiding at the neck.

“You know there is plenty of space that is not on top of me, right?”

“And what would be the fun in that?”

“Maybe I will just send you to your house. It is not like it’s far.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“How do you kwon?”

“We are soulmates, I told you.”

“Lexa, until a few hours ago you didn’t even know I existed. And half of the time you did know, we spend arguing. So I don’t think you thought it through.”

“I know all that. But I have this feeling, and you don’t need to agree with me now, I can wait. Then when you do, I’m gonna be right here. Plus all the arguing is definitely a positive for me.” 

“Whatever, just sleep I’m tired.”

“Clarke, are you awake?” Lexa asked 15 minutes later.

“What?” Clarke was clearly annoyed by now.

“I’m not used to sleep this early. Could we talk a little while till I get sleepy?”

“Ok. What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. You can choose.”

“Lexa, last time I choose a topic of conversation it didn’t turn so well.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was just a sour subject for me.”

“Want to talk about it? Since apparently tonight is the night for deep conversation.”

“I don’t think I would know where to begin.”

“Just talk, I will listen.”

Clarke had a calming effect on her. And she didn’t know when it happened but Clarke had circled one arm at her waist and with the free hand was caressing her hair. So she began talking not really knowing what she was going to say.

“The panic attack wasn’t really about what we were talking about. It was more because I felt like I had no control of the situation, like I had screwed up so much that you would hate me forever or something. Then it just went spiraling down more and more. And it had been so long since the last time it happened. So I just didn’t know how to handle it.”

“When was the last time you had a panic attack?”

“Ok, so maybe it was a little bit about what we were talking about. The last time it happened was almost a year ago at my sixteen birthday. The Queens had decided that I needed this huge party and I just went with it. So in the middle of the party Nia… Forget it, you gonna think its stupid.”

“I am sure I won’t, Lexa.”

“Ok, so, it’s not like I never had a girlfriend. I dated Luna during sophomore year. We just never, you know… had sex, contrary to what everyone thinks. It just never felt like the right time. But them she moved away and we tried to do the long distance thing but it didn’t work for long. And after a while everybody just expected me to hook up with people at parties. Then when I didn’t they found it strange, so I started to make out with the occasional girl. But I don’t know, it just feel weird for me being intimate with someone you don’t know nothing about, I know is just kissing, but for me it is intimate. Anyway this was the plan for my sixteen birthday party, just make out with a random girl, even if I felt uncomfortable with it, so nobody would talk. But then Nia gave me this pill, I don’t even know what it was; she said it would lose me up. As well as that I don’t remember a thing about that night because of it. Then I wake up next day naked in bed with this girl I didn’t even know the name. And I knew we had done it. So I start panicking, not just because of the sex but because I couldn’t remember and because it hadn’t been really my choice and it felt so wrong. I hate feeling out of control, and that entire situation was out of mine, I just didn’t know what to do.”

“That’s when the panic attack started?” Clarke asked after a while that Lexa stopped talking.

“Yeah. The girl didn’t even realize what was happening, she just kept sleeping. And it felt like it lasted for so fucking long, at the time I remember I thought it would never end. So when I finally came back to myself I just went home, till this day I don’t have a clue of who she was. I know it’s weird for me feel like that about it, and that most teenagers want to lose their virginity. But I don’t know… I have to always be in control. I hate when things happen and I didn’t have a say or I didn’t expect or when I don’t know how to react. Shit, now you know just how much of a loser I really am.”

“You are not a loser. Neither is weird that you feel that way. Not all teenagers want to lose their virginity at all costs either. And even if they wanted, what you feel is always valid no matter what others think. And you shouldn’t do things just because is expected of you, or because it’s the “cool” thing to do. If you are uncomfortable with something, it’s not because you are weird or a loser, it might simple be because that’s not for you or because you’re not ready yet. It doesn’t matter, what matter is that you and others respect your limits.”

Lexa didn’t talk for a while just assimilating what Clarke had said. At the same time reveling at the feeling of Clarke’s arm around her, bringing her closer. If she thought earlier that she had never talked so much about herself, now it was like she had handed her soul to Clarke. Then, as she was on it anyway, Lexa decided why not give it all with a bow on top? So she just kept talking.

“You know, even now with Costia, I think, no, I know I just keep coming back to her so I don’t have to be with some random girl at parties anymore. Because even though it is a secret, it really isn’t. Like we wouldn’t do anything in public or talk about it in front of Wells, but most people I talk to kwon about it. So if I don’t hook up with anyone at a party people just assume it’s because I doing Costia in secret. And it isn’t like I don’t feel weird with her, it is still odd, but is bearable you know. Because I kind know her since freshman year, so I know who she is, and sometimes we talk about other things, so it’s easier for me and I mean I still am a teenage with you know… needs. At the same time as long as I am “with” her I don’t need to pursue a relationship with anyone else and have the risk of them not understand that I need to know them better before I go any further. Because the last thing I need is someone spreading to the school what freak I am.”

“You are not a freak, Lexa. You don’t need to be with Costia to prove that to people.”

“Thank you. And it’s nice that you hear that. But you must know most of the school wouldn’t think the same. It is just a farce anyway; me and Costia haven’t done anything for more than a month. People at school just think we are going at it like rabbits almost every day.”

“I thought you said you were with her before coming here.”

“I was. But Jaha junior appeared before we could have done anything. And it’s not the first time.”

“You don’t seem very upset about it.”

“I kinda was, but not anymore. It doesn’t matter anyway. Now that I met you I am going to end things with her.”

“Lexa.” Clarke said in a stern tone.

“I know, I know. You don’t want anything like that with me yet. But like I said, I already decided that you are my soulmate so it would feel wrong to be with anyone else.”

“Lexa, listen to me. I’m glad that you decided to end things with Costia as you said you weren’t completely comfortable with her. But you can’t just keep waiting for something that may never happen.”

“Clarke, it’s like you said I have to do what feels right to me. And I am telling you, you are the one for me, I’m sure. And I really don’t mind waiting, I could wait for years, I would wait forever and I know it wouldn’t change my mind. Plus I’m ok with us being only friends. Whatever you want me for I’m here.”

“Shit, Lexa. You can’t go around saying shit like that to people.”

“Does this mean my charms are finally working on you?”

“No. Plus I believe all this decision making is gonna crumble when Monday at school you realize me and your cool rebel without a cause facade don’t go together.”

“I don’t think so. Besides I don’t have to think about it until you agree on going on a date with me.”

“Again you are not thinking it trough. Didn’t you said people will talk if you don’t make out or whatever with somebody?”

“People will take a while to pick up on the fact that me and Costia are not a thing anymore. Until then I can make up a story or maybe you will be my girlfriend.”

“Lexa, I’m not going to be you girlfriend. And I already told me and the popular kids don’t go together, unless I’m tutoring then or screwing then in secret.”

“I can dream, and if you were with me that would make you automatically cool, so that is not really a problem.”

“Oh my god! I give up. Are you tired, yet?”

“No. Can ask you something? If you don’t want to answer it’s ok.”

“Go on.”

“So, you said you slept with Jaha. And this other person that was or is special to you. I guess what I want to know is if you are only into guys or if I would have a chance?”

“Gender is not important for me when I choose a partner. My first time was with a girl, and yes, she is still special to me. And since then I kinda dated this one guy from school. And then had one night stands with this one college girl I met and Wells. So definitely not only into guys. And I’m really not trying to encourage you with this information.”

“I get it. And can I ask why you are not with the girl you lost your virginity if she is still special to you?”

“Raven and I decided we work better as best friends.”

“Isn’t it weird to still be friends with her?”

“No.”

“Ok. And the guy you said you dated next?”

“Finn is just stupid. He was double timing me and Raven. What a fucking idiot, I mean he really thought we wouldn’t find out, we are best friends for god’s sake. You know I could date someone that wanted an open relationship; a liar is a completely different story. The fucking bastard even had the nerve of asking us to have a threesome after everything.”

“Are you talking about Finn Collins? I’m gonna kill him.”

“Yeah it’s him. But don’t need to. I think I and Raven did a good enough job in our revenge.”

“What did you do?”

“We break into his room and substitute all his vitamins for estrogen. We also put pink dye in his shampoo, hide a fish under his floor, hacked his computer, and made his phone auto-corrector change words like school to brothel and studying to fucking.”

“Ok, this was a good revenge. But I’m still punching him the first excuse I get.”

“I get the urge.”

“Ok. Can I make one more personal question?”

“I don’t think one more will make much difference after everything I told you, so go on.”

“It is because Collins that you don’t date anymore? I mean you said you only had two night stands since then.”

“Not really. It has been only four months since what I told you happened, so it’s not that long. I guess I just didn’t find anyone I liked enough yet.”

“Ok, I was just making sure you didn’t blame yourself or some shit. Because all the blame is on him, he is the shithead that though it was smart cheating on the most amazing person on earth.”

“I know it’s not my fault or Raven’s. But thank you anyway.”

“So… I kinda have other question if you don’t mind. It’s not personal this time, I promise. Well at least I think it isn’t.”

“I don’t think you need to ask if you can ask anymore. But you have my permission anyway.”

“Ok. Early when we were arguing I’m pretty sure we make lots of noise but no one showed to kick me out.”

“This was not a question. But if you want to know where everyone is. Well, my father doesn’t live with us anymore he and my mom separated three months ago and a few days after that he moved to Arkadia because he accepted a job offer from Ark University. My mother is at the hospital working the night shift. And Raven went to a college party she heard about.”

“Wait Raven lives with you?”

“Yeah, my parents adopted her a year ago after something I can’t talk about.”

“Ok. But like, you dated your sister?”

“No. I mean at the time the adoptions was recent and we weren’t sure about of what we felt for each other. And we didn’t exactly date, it was more like experimentation. Anyway in the end we decided we were better as friends, best friends. Not that I regret it, because I don’t, we just wasn’t meant to be like that. Nevertheless, what matter is that I didn’t saw her as my sister at the time as I do now.”

“Ok.”

“Sleep is finally catching up to you?”

“Maybe. I’m not crushing you right?”

“No, you are good. Now sleep.”

“You are bossy…” Lexa mumbled, but was soon asleep at the blonde’s arms.


End file.
